I have been contemplative the past two months. I have thought of blog posts but it was too much work to try to conjure something up when it wasn’t bubbling from within. So this blog has been quiet lately. I do not apologize for that. I have been busy.
The week of Christmas I traveled, along with three of my sons, to visit family in Texas. It was wonderful and it was difficult.
I love my family so much that it hurts. I ache to be with them all the time. It has been a trial to me to be in Connecticut for 15 years when I wanted to be elsewhere. But life is not about getting what we want. At least it hasn’t been for me.
I have gone along. I made many choices when I was young that set me on a path of passivity. I worked jobs, earned money, supported myself and my young son mostly by myself. I received a few months of child support the entire time I was raising him. I had some support from my family.
I never had a partner. Ever.
When I remarried in 1987, I thought I had found a partner in life. I was mistaken.
So even though I had more children, I still felt as though I were a single parent most of the time. There was no partnership.
Being the good soldier that I am, I did what needed to be done.
And then I found my voice. The voice that truly represented my person, who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. It is not easy finding that voice and learning to use it in ways that do not hurt others.
And then I discovered that when I began changing, although it was welcomed by me (painful as it was), it was not always welcomed by my family and friends (most of them).
What I have been doing the past few weeks is processing. I am on the verge. And it is scary as hell.
I am on the verge, and this means that I will be presented with choices that I can make that have the potential to make me happy. I am thinking about my own happiness. Wow, what wonderful (and scary) words.